Silent Knight
by Lihau
Summary: The trials and tribulations of getting Batman into the holiday spirit. One hundred percent insane. One shot.


**Disclaimer:** All I want for Christmas is the rights to these characters! Meaning: No. I don't own 'em.

**Silent Knight**

_SLAM_

"You. What."

"Aw, c'mon, Bats," Green Arrow said nervously. "Get into the spirit! And, uh, would you mind putting your hand somewhere else? I'm kinda starting to have trouble breathing…. ACK! Yeah," gasped the archer. "That's much better," he croaked.

Batman, pinning the Emerald Archer by the throat against the wall, continued to glower. Green Arrow gulped.

"If you get me out of this," Batman growled lethally, "I will allow you to live."

"Heh, sounds like a good deal but, uh—"

_BANG_

"But. What."

Green Arrow winced as the force of having the back of his head rammed into the wall spread painfully.

"_Well_."

"I can't! I promised 'em that you'd talk to some of the kids at the hospital on Christmas Eve no matter wOWW!"

Batman used his free hand to apply more pressure to Green Arrow's arm.

"I promised!" Green Arrow howled.

"_Un_promise."

"But… I…"

"Do you. Want. To. _Live_."

The Dark Knight pressed harder on the green-clad hero's throat. Green Arrow coughed a few times.

The door to the training room of the JLA Satellite slid open and there was the sound of heavy footsteps. This sound ceased abruptly a moment later.

Someone cleared his throat and asked awkwardly, "Ah… am I… interrupting?"

"Superman," Green Arrow wheezed. "Would you… mind? Helping?"

Batman, not even bothering to look at the Last Son of Krypton, hissed, "Go. Away."

"No!" Green Arrow said desperately. "I… need… witness!"

"Witness?" Superman echoed.

"Yes! Witness! For… murder trial!"

Batman enunciated, "Two words: Voluntary. Manslaughter."

"I feel like killing him myself sometimes," Superman admitted, "but what brought this on?"

"_Tell him_," Batman snarled.

"Gotta—breathe—first!" Green Arrow choked out.

Batman, still holding him by the throat with one hand, lifted the archer a couple of inches above the ground before suddenly dropping him and storming off, muttering, "I'll be back."

"Thanks," rasped Green Arrow, rubbing his throat.

"What happened?" Superman asked as the Star City hero got to his feet.

"I just promised that he'd speak at a children's hospital on Christmas Eve, and _he_ blew up."

"You _what_?"

"Okay, I admit that was a little… rash…"

"_Rash_?" Superman asked, raising an eyebrow. "Try 'downright stupid'."

"Alright, so it _was_," Green Arrow rolled his eyes. "But still—"

The door slid open again and Batman came charging in, once again grabbing the Emerald Archer by the throat and smashing him against the wall.

"Eep!" was all Green Arrow could manage.

"What now?" Superman sighed.

"Yeah," squeaked Green Arrow, barely able to speak.

Batman only had a short statement to grind out: "I'm back."

"…And things can only get uglier," observed the Man of Steel.

-

"Question!"

"What."

"How long do I gotta stay like this?"

"Hm."

It sounded like a questioning sort of grunt, so Green Arrow continued.

"It ain't exactly fun being hung upside-down by a rope, y'know."

Silence.

"So… how long?"

"Until I _say_—" Batman broke off his sentence, coughing.

"What's _your_ problem?"

"Shut—" He coughed a few more times.

"Serves you right."

Batman, though still coughing, managed to give the archer a hard push, sending the prisoner swinging back and forth several times.

"This is _not_ nice. All the blood is rushin' to my head and everythin'. Great, and now I'm getting dizzy…"

Seeing that Batman seemed to have difficulty in bringing an end to his coughing fit, Green Arrow grudgingly asked, "What's wrong?"

"Robin's just gotten over being sick for a few days," Flash, entering the training room, explained. "He must've caught something from him…"

The Fastest Man Alive stopped walking and stared curiously at the archer, still hanging from the ceiling.

"Don't ask," Green Arrow glared, cheeks and forehead flushed red from the blood that had moved down to his face. "Don't ask."

-

The next day, Batman smirked triumphantly at Green Arrow. At least, that's what it looked like to the archer. In reality, however, the Dark Knight was expressionless—the way he usually was when he wasn't trying to beat someone up.

"What you smilin' at?" Green Arrow snapped.

"Well, _excuse me_," Robin said, a slightly pouting expression crossing his small face as he looked up from his textbook.

"NOT YOU!"

Robin glanced at Batman and told the Emerald Archer, "Well, you weren't talking to _him_."

"As a matter of fact I _was_, you little—"

Batman grabbed the book Robin had been holding and then smacked the archer on the head with it, glaring all the while. No one insulted _his_ kid.

Green Arrow fixed his smooshed hat sourly as Robin smiled innocently. He'd have to get that kid one of these days…

"You think you're so lucky you have laryngitis," Green Arrow told Batman. "But you aren't! The hospital _still_ thinks you're going there to see the kids."

"Why _don't_ you go, Batman?" Robin asked pleadingly.

Green Arrow grinned at Robin. Maybe the little twerp wasn't so bad, after all…

"What you smilin' at?" Robin glared, rather vengefully. Turning to Batman, he said, "It _is_ almost Christmas, and I know they'd all _really_ like it if you visited them!"

"Yeah, Bats," Green Arrow put in.

Batman patted his throat, clamped and unclamped his four fingers and thumb together a few times, then waggled his hand (palm down) back and forth twice.

Green Arrow was completely baffled but Robin obviously understood, for he demanded, "Who _cares_ if you can't talk? They like you, anyway!"

Batman gave his sidekick a thoroughly evil glare. Robin, completely unperturbed, maintained a determined expression.

"They do?" Green Arrow wondered.

The evil glare turned to the archer, who gulped.

Upon realizing that Batman wasn't going to stop glowering anytime soon, Green Arrow quickly yanked out his communicator and said into the silent device, "Uh, I think, uh, Speedy is trying to, uh, to reach me. I, uh, better get going. See ya, Bats!"

-

"YIPE!"

"Oh… did I scare you?"

"Never—_never_—do that _again_!"

Robin shook his head pityingly. All he'd done was tug on the back of Green Arrow's costume to get his attention…. Who'd'a thunk the archer was so jumpy?

"Think Speedy can wait?" Robin asked, trying not to sound sarcastic.

"Maybe. Why?"

"I need to talk to you."

Green Arrow elevated his eyebrows. "You do?"

"Yeah."

"'Bout what, Tweety-Bird? Did Speedy try to kill the Shrimp and you're going after _me_ for it?"

By 'Shrimp', Green Arrow was referring to Aqualad.

"No," Robin shook his head. "About—"

"Lemme guess," interrupted the archer. "Speedy was hitting on Wonder Girl again?"

"No," Robin said, shaking his head again.

"Then he and Twinkletoes, Jr.—!"

"Let me talk!" Robin snapped impatiently.

"Haven't you ever heard of respecting your elders, Tweety?" Green Arrow goaded.

"In your case, I'll make an exception!" Robin said, letting out a low growl.

"Ooh!" Green Arrow said mockingly, pretending to be scared. "Trying to take after Daddy Batty?"

…

"YYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

That kid had a mean right hook.

Robin glowered up at him. "Let's talk."

-

Green Arrow, sitting down in an armchair in the library, rubbed his sore ribs. "Whaddya want, kid?"

He cringed and leaned back in his chair when Robin reached back his left fist. The Boy Wonder let his hand drop and took a chair from one of the desks.

Sitting down, Robin said, "I hate to say this, but…"

This was getting interesting. Green Arrow leaned forward eagerly.

"…I agree."

The archer's face fell. "Agree? With what?"

"That Batman should visit the kids at the hospital on Christmas Eve!"

"You do?!"

"Yes, already!"

"Wow."

"Don't rub it in," Robin said, somewhat grumpily.

"Good!" Green Arrow smirked. "Finally, someone agrees with me."

"Yeah. Well. Life can't always be perfect."

Green Arrow seemed about to go on about how rare it was that someone had the—and I quote—'good sense' to agree with him, so Robin suggested, "Let's just get down to business."

"Hm?"

"You know. A plan of attack."

"Right."

"Let's make a list."

Robin quickly grabbed a couple of pieces of paper and two pens. Handing one of each to the Emerald Archer, he said, "You write your ideas here, I'll write mine here."

"Hey, who died and made _you_ boss?" Green Arrow demanded in annoyance.

"_Nobody_ died and _I_ made me boss. And if you don't want me to go to Batman's side, you'll agree!"

"Yeah, right."

Robin glared.

"You're serious."

"Yeah. Now _write_."

-

Soon enough, Robin's list looked like this:

_Give him as many logical pro-visit-the-hospital arguments as possible_

_Lure him to the hospital by making him think that there's a supervillain there that he needs to catch_

There it was, short but sweet.

Green Arrow asked, "So, I gather from idea number two that he ain't letting a little laryngitis keep him away from crime-fighting?"

"Are you kidding?"

"No…"

Robin just sighed. "Your turn."

"For what?"

Speaking very slowly and deliberately, Robin clarified, "Your list?"

"Oh! Right! Plenty of suggestions there!"

Green Arrow grinned and handed his paper over to the Boy Wonder. Robin read it.

_Bribe him_

_Manually drag him over there_

_Knock him unconscious and manually drag him over there_

_Blackmail him (I got a few pips I wanna share with the others!)_

_Torture him until he gives in_

_Threaten his life_

_Threaten Robin's life…_

"Hey!" Robin protested.

"Whatever works, Tweety," Green Arrow snickered.

"Well," Robin said a moment later, "I think we can conclude from looking at these two lists that none of _your_ ideas are sensible."

"Aw, come _on_!"

"No, I mean it. Mine are a little more… feasible."

Green Arrow grimaced ruefully. Was it just him, or was the little kid's vocabulary better than his own?

"Let's try my first idea now," Robin continued, "and, if that doesn't work, we'll try the other one. Okay?"

"No, but go ahead anyway. I'll wait here."

"Oh, no, you don't!" Robin exclaimed, standing up. "We're in this together whether you like it or not!"

"Do _you_ like it?" demanded the archer.

Robin glared a glare that clearly said "_don't ask_".

"Fine. Let's just go."

-

Robin, shoulders slumped, walked dejectedly out of the training room, where he'd tried to persuade his mentor to go visit the children's hospital. Unsuccessfully.

Green Arrow grinned a bit, suggesting sheepishly, "…Plan B?"

-

"Okay, what's the plan?"

"Lure—we can't talk about it here," Robin suddenly decided. "He might hear us."

"Fine. Let's go to Star City, then."

"…I'll need an excuse…"

"Say you're going there to visit Roy."

"…I don't like lying…"

Green Arrow, frustrated at Robin's appalling amount of integrity, said, "Then visit with Roy for five minutes and _then_ we'll talk!"

"Yeah… I guess that would make it the truth then, wouldn't it?" Robin commented. He hadn't thought about it _that_ way before.

"'Course it would!"

"…Alright, then."

The archer smiled as Robin hurried off to tell Batman of the brief visit to Star City that he was planning. He might be able to teach the kid some sense, after all.

-

"What! But! I—I could be _killed_!" Oliver Queen exclaimed.

"Whatever you guys are talking about, I'm in!" Roy Harper snickered, walking into the study of his and Queen's home.

"I thought I told you to stay outta here!" Ollie snapped. "This is private business between me and him," he added, jerking an irritated thumb towards Dick Grayson.

"Since when do I listen to you?" Roy smirked coolly.

"Since—!" Ollie stopped short for a moment, at a loss. "Since _now_!"

"Suuuure," Roy drew out, plopping down into an armchair. He folded his arms over his chest triumphantly.

Ollie and Roy started arguing, but it only lasted until…

"QUIET!" Dick shouted.

Silence.

You can tell who's _really_ in charge around here.

"Roy, if you're gonna stick around, you're gonna _work_ with us, okay?" Dick said, voice leaving no room for argument.

"Whatcha workin' on, anyway?" Roy wanted to know.

"Getting the Big Bad Bat to visit a kids' hospital," grumbled Ollie, glaring at his young charge.

"That's cruel!"

"I thought you didn't like Batman," Dick commented.

"Not for Batman! For the kids!"

…

"That does it!" Dick burst out, jumping up from his chair. "I'm doing this on my _own_! Good-_bye_!"

He stormed out of the room.

Roy looked at Ollie and commented, "I think he's mad at us."

"Well," Ollie said, rubbing his hands together. "Looks like it's him against me to see who can get Bats to the hospital first!"

Smiling devilishly, Roy stood up and announced, "I think I'll go help Dick."

"Hey! You're _my_ sidekick! _My_ plan needs two people!"

"_You_ have a _plan_?" Roy asked, shocked.

Ollie nodded smugly.

"What is it?"

-

**Next Day…**

"I just _had_ to ask," fumed Speedy. "I shoulda known you'd come up with a HARE-BRAINED SCHEME like—!"

"_Shhhh_!" Green Arrow hissed into his communicator. "Just shut up and _do_ it!"

"I am gonna die," groaned Speedy, removing his cap and pulling a ski mask over his head.

"Just _go_!"

"Oh, shut up! I'm going already!"

-

**Meanwhile…**

Robin smiled. Everything was going exactly the way he'd planned.

Okay, so he _had_ altered his original idea slightly, but hey. It worked, didn't it?

_I wonder what those two idiots are up to…_

Let's join one of 'those two idiots', shall we?

-

**Speedy's POV…**

That saphead couldn't come up with a plan if one came up and kicked him in the gut. Next time I saw him, I planned on doing just that. Not giving him an idea—kicking him in the gut, I mean. Yeah, I know that isn't very Christmassy, but at that point I didn't really care.

Green Arrow was gonna pay. And how.

Well, there was the place.

Good-bye, cruel world.

-

**Green Arrow's POV…**

If that kid screwed up, I'd kill him. I didn't just volunteer Batman to visit the kids for nothing! I expected something outta it—_self-satisfaction_. And if Tweety's idea got in my way, Speedy wouldn't be the only one needing a paramedic.

-

**Batman's POV…**

…

…

I guess Batman isn't much for writing. Heh…

-

**Robin's POV…**

Don't mean to be rude, O 'Great' Author, but I don't have time to write. Quit being lazy and write your own junk.

…Meanie…

-

**Back to "normal" now…**

Robin stopped walking as he heard a soft clunk from the library of the JLA Satellite.

"Hello?" he called.

Silence. Then…

_KRASH_

A voice inside the library screeched.

Robin dashed into the library just as a red-clad figure darted out.

"Speedy?" Robin wondered loudly.

The young archer didn't stop his retreat.

"That was weird," Robin murmured to himself.

Looking around the room, he then picked up the pile of books that had fallen to the ground.

-

"You _what_?!"

"Well, Robin came charging in and I didn't exactly wanna get caught, so…"

"So there goes the plan!"

"Only part of it!"

"Yeah," Green Arrow admitted. "Yeah. We'll just hafta hope it'll work."

"Yeah, and that it doesn't smoosh my other hand!"

"Oh, shut up." Green Arrow paused and looked at the notes he'd written. "Well, part one might've gone okay after all. I think Batman will be pretty suspicious now, don't you?"

-

Batman (using sign language!) commented, "I don't like this. Something suspicious is going on."

Robin grinned and pointed out, "You _always_ think something suspicious is going on."

"And am I always right?"

With a heavy sigh, the Boy Wonder admitted, "Yeah…"

The Bat nodded sharply.

"Well, enough worrying!" Robin decided. "C'mon—we'll be late!"

And so Robin grabbed Batman's gloved hand enthusiastically and pulled him to the Batmobile.

-

"Here they come!" Green Arrow hissed as the Batmobile drove by. "Get on!"

"Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?" Speedy whispered back incredulously, sitting down behind his mentor on the motorcycle.

"Of course I do! This is the gas—" He indicated the brakes. "—and this is the brake." He indicated the gas.

"I think we're in trouble…"

-

_Screeeee-BANG_

_Screeeee-BANG_

"This thing doesn't work!" Green Arrow growled.

"Well, maybe it _would_ if you'd stop crashing into the dumpster!"

"Wiseacre kid," grumbled the Emerald Archer.

_Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-KABLAM_

"Work!" Green Arrow snapped at the motorcycle.

"It's dead!" Speedy scowled, getting off the vehicle. "You killed it—and kicking it is _not_ gonna help!"

-

"So much for the hospital," sighed Green Arrow. The proverbial light-bulb suddenly flicked on over his head. "I've got it!"

"Got what?" Speedy sneered. "You finally find your brain?"

With a withering glare, Green Arrow pulled out his JLA communicator.

"Flash, here," came the voice of the Fastest Man Alive.

"Heyyy, buddy!" Green Arrow greeted him.

"…"

"Flash? You there?"

The Flash sighed. "Yeah. What do you want?"

"Hmmm… I just need a teeny-tiny, weensy-_teensy_, little favor."

There was a disbelieving grunt from the other end of the communication.

"Well?" Green Arrow demanded. "You gonna help or not?"

"Help with what?"

"Just get over here! We're a block down from some shiny bank building in Gotham!"

Green Arrow turned off his communicator. Grinning at Speedy, he announced, "Now, we wait."

-

Flash tried explaining, "But—"

"But don't you wanna see Batman stuck in the hospital for Christmas Eve?" Green Arrow pressed.

The Flash had a sudden inspiration. He half-smiled and nodded, "It'll make the day for the kids."

"Sooo. You in?"

"Sure," Flash smirked. This would be fun.

-

"There it is!" Green Arrow exclaimed as the Flash, carrying him and Speedy, caught up with the Batmobile, which was parked in front of the police department building.

"Good!" Flash panted. "You're heavy!"

He stopped running, totally exhausted, and let go of the two archers.

"Great," Green Arrow grinned, looking around. "Now where are the Caped Clowns?"

"Talking," gasped the Fastest Man Alive, trying to catch his breath. He pointed across the street, in front of the children's hospital. "Over… there."

"Great," the Emerald Archer repeated. "Thanks, Zippy. I owe you one."

"You… sure do!" the Flash wheezed.

"Here," Green Arrow said, tossing the ski mask to Speedy. After putting on his own mask, he added, "Time for a little live bait."

-

Robin glanced suspiciously at the trash bins at the end of the hospital's parking lot. What was that rustling noise?

Batman obviously heard it, too, for he approached the garbage containers, planning to investigate.

"Now!" a voice hissed.

Two figures with ski masks on darted out from behind the dumpsters. The taller one was wearing mostly green, the other mostly red. How Christmassy!

Batman grabbed the green one's arm and Robin tackled the red one to the ground.

"I _told_ you it wouldn't work!" the red one bellowed. "Idiot!"

"Can it!" the green one hollered back.

The Dynamic Duo pulled off the green and red people's masks.

Robin yelped, "Speedy? Green Arrow? What are you doing here?!"

"Trying to get the Bat into the hospital!" Green Arrow sputtered.

"But—but I already took _care_ of that," Robin stated, letting Speedy go. The two boys stood up.

"You what?" the Emerald Archer asked flatly.

"After I got mad and left you and Speedy back in Star City," explained the Boy Wonder, "I decided to try talking to Batman again. And what do you know! When I talked to him _without you_, it was a piece of cake to get him to come here!"

"You mean we did all this _for NOTHING_?!" Speedy yelled.

Robin tried to hide a victorious smile.

"I told you it was a stupid idea!" Speedy exclaimed, punching his senior partner in the arm.

"Well, it _almost_ worked, didn't it?" Green Arrow shot back.

"Did not!" objected the younger archer.

As the pair continued arguing, the Caped Crusaders glanced at each other.

"Should we go in?" Batman asked (yes, still using sign language).

Robin nodded and they started off for the building.

"Batman?" Robin began.

A nod.

"Do you think they'll be done fighting by the time we leave?"

A shake of the head, along with a nearly invisible grin.

"Batman?"

Nod.

"I'm glad you came."

Batman gently ruffled Robin's hair.

"Batman?"

A slightly annoyed nod.

"Merry Christmas."

**The End**


End file.
